If I Gave It All Away For One Thing
by MegalegU
Summary: "So Mike has to keep his faith in Harvey, has to play by his rules, even if they leave a bitter taste in his mouth and make him form lies that he has to learn to craft over time." Character study.


**A/N: Sooo...I came up with this randomly and it's basically a hodgepodge of thoughts and whatnot...not exactly a story - a character study. I haven't exactly looked at this atrocious thing but if you want to tell me how I did, then feel free, haha. Anyways - this is set season 2, like right after the second episode ends.**

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See the thing is, Jenny wasn't just _some girl. _She was Trevor's property – property he would have been stupid to trespass on, so he admired from afar. But then Trevor was out of the picture and all of Jenny's trust fell into his lap _(actually, no, that's not true - the trust was always in Mike, always had been_). It felt empowering, risky, daring. It was not an element Mike needed in his life after the, ya know, whole almost-drug-dealing thing nearly kicked off. He needed stability – or at least, a small bit, after all, there really was no stability in keeping a job just by sheer will and determination without a degree to back him up – but he didn't care. Jenny was lust, desire, a woman he had imagined exploring.

But also, Rachel wasn't _(isn't) _some girl, either. When Mike first met her, he was enthralled, captivated by her voice, her movements, her beauty, her self-assuredness that had put him in his place on the spot. She was intelligent enough in that nearly-arrogant way to be _too _intelligent and had depth that he only got to glimpse in their rare moments alone. He found himself drawn to her, hypnotized and yet…there was Jenny, in the back of his mind but as weeks went by, spending long hours at the office with Rachel, poring over briefs and regulations and expensive sushi, Jenny began to dim. Her elusive sparkle was no longer quite so brilliant. Rachel was a marching band, a firework, a comet that burned bright with an element meant to draw anyone in who dared look forward.

**OoOoOo**

So, really, it's not exactly a huge disappointment when Jenny breaks up with him. Because, honestly, he's tired of this, this volley between work and his actual life _(the small bit he has left to himself_) in which neither can ever, ever be at rest. Jenny suddenly morphs into a demanding, suspicious woman that leaves Mike more stressed than a day with Harvey. He shouldn't be such a wreck, can't afford to be, but that is what Rachel did _(does) _to him, acting like a powerful storm, a hurricane and Mike is the aftermath.

It's not a difficult decision to decide to pursue Rachel, to get them to finally be together. She concedes after he admits that he and Jenny broke up _(or really, gave up would be the correct statement_) and for once, Mike actually feels ecstatic. He feels so ecstatic, in fact, that the omnipresent issue of his job at the Pearson Hardman firm now being indefinitely in jeopardy, hardly bothers him. He goes out with Rachel and has a good time and _knows_, knows in the deepest part inside of him, that Rachel is the woman he can trust. Because, objectively, Mike has never really had someone that he can pore his heart out to that will love him anyway _(beside his limited family, i.e. his grandmother),_ despite his cracks and fissures. Rachel can be that person - _is _that person and he goes to tell Harvey, but of course, in his sleek and cold fashion, Harvey has no happiness to contribute. In fact, he steers him right off course. _(Has to). _ Harvey knows what Mike is trying to do, knows that he feels an insurmountable amount of trust for this woman that hasn't spilled his previous…secrets…and never will. But the senior partner thinks it's dangerous and Mike can't help but fight that opinion. He can't exactly explain the feeling he has about it all, just that it is right and true, his feelings for the nearly-enigmatic paralegal.

But Mike can't disappoint Harvey and not even _disappoint_, really…almost…betray. He knows that Harvey is right, after he really thinks about it. He knows that investing in this woman so early on will be dangerous. It was dangerous with Jenny. Look what happened. He wants so desperately to just feel _happy _for once that he doesn't think logistics and then when he finally does…he has to say no. Say no to the life he can _(could) _have with Rachel, because every time he sees her smiling face, the almost vulnerability spread across her features…he can't fathom ruining something else. He would have to lie to save it, have to build all new foundations on an already shaking ground. So he cuts off the ties, makes a lame excuse. Says, _I'd just screw this up anyway_.

Because, really – isn't that the honest truth?

Risking everything he has right now for a woman _(even a woman as alluring as Rachel Zane) _would be like a giant fuck you to the greatest thing he's ever been handed just on chance.

So Mike has to keep his faith in Harvey, has to play by his rules, even if they leave a bitter taste in his mouth and make him form lies that he has to learn to craft over time.

He owes it to Harvey, really, when it comes down to it.

Even though sometimes he wonders when he can stop being bound by invisible barriers that always leave him dancing around the truth and wondering who will discover the choreography.


End file.
